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In the previous entry we covered some of the basics on heightening. This time I’m giving some examples of heightening language and the small interventions that help heighten experience in the moment.

Norm has been aggressively pursuing his wife for a more active sex life and justifying it by saying his desire level is just normal and that it shows how much he loves her. Eventually he began to realize how emotionally threatened she felt and acknowledged his part in their conflict cycle, (timing is promising…), but he wasn’t fully engaged emotionally so I asked her about the threatened feeling.
She offered the image of being pushed to the edge of a cliff by him. I asked him to feel the impact of her words “emotionally threatened by him” for a moment (slowing down) and he said it wasn’t what he wanted her to feel, looking slightly wide-eyed (entry point). Then I asked him to let himself imagine her at the edge of that high jagged cliff, feeling threatened by him (using her image and bringing it into the moment).
At first he just said, ‘you know, I feel bad’. I said, ‘I get that it feels bad, but it sounds like more, like knowing you’re scaring her is especially gut-wrenching’ (heightening and blocking an early exit). ‘Yeah’, he said, ‘who would want to be that kind of husband?’
‘Exactly’, I said, ‘it would be like pushing her to the very edge of that cliff over and over again, and not knowing how scary it is for her. It must fly in the face of wanting to be her safe, reliable partner (seeding attachment wish). How is it to sit with the feeling that you’re seen as an emotional threat to your own wife?’ (more evoking, emphasizing present moment and heightening). ‘Like I must be a selfish oaf who’s just been making it all about me, but it’s not the way I see myself. I think of myself as a good guy!’
‘No wonder it feels so painful to you’ I said Like a selfish oaf who’s pushing his wife to the edge of that jagged cliff over and over again. How is it to hear these words back from me?’ (more evoking and bringing back to the present). ‘Well it doesn’t feel good!’  ‘I bet’, I say, ‘but stay with the feeling please (block the exit) and notice what’s going on inside (focus on internal experience). Let yourself go there if you can’ (be persistent).
‘Well, you know’…, he says immediately. I interrupt (blocking the exit), ‘Can you let yourself sit quietly and notice what’s happening in your body right now? (ask about somatic experience to slow down), this is new for you so take a minute to let yourself feel it’ (slow it down). He sits quietly for about half a minute before saying, ‘I feel all this tension in my chest, like a clamping pressure.’ ‘Okay, I say, ‘thanks for staying with it. And the clamping pressure, does it have a message?’ (slowing down). ‘Yeah, I feel bad about myself, I don’t like myself right now.’
‘Yes, I wonder if this is the part you don’t let yourself feel when you’ve seen her pull back from you (empathic conjecture). And as I sit here with you now (emphasize presence) I’m guessing some of your pursuit comes from you losing a sort of contact with her – the sex closeness – that’s meant so much to you, so you keep putting on pressure as the way to keep her close’ (empathic conjecture).
He replies, ‘I do sometimes worry we’ve lost our sexual buzz for good – what if we can’t get back there? That doesn’t feel like a good way to be together’ ‘I hear you, Norm, but this time it also sounds a little different, like you’re talking about being scared of losing a part of what makes your partner so important to you (heighten fear and use attachment language). From the place of heightened primary emotion and newly accessed vulnerability I ask him to share his fears with her (enactment) and she is able this time to hear a partner who misses her, in a much less demanding and threatening way. Soon we can return to his complaints and worries about the lack of a vibrant sex life.
You can read in this example than Norm wasn’t unwilling to talk from his primary, vulnerable emotions nearly as he just needed help in the form of attunement, slowing down, blocking exits, persistence, evoking and some empathic conjecture. In the end, he was able to give his partner a much less threatening and more accessible message about her importance to him – not a bad outcome for the piece of work they did together.

Jeff Hickey, Director, Chicago Center for EFT

Jeff Hickey, Director Chicago Center for EFT

Without a doubt, the hardest part for most therapists learning EFT, even experienced ones, is heightening emotion. I’ll share a couple of thoughts about why in a minute, but first a few reasons why this key intervention is so crucial to a good therapy outcome, especially with couples. First, emotions tell us, and those close to us, what matters. Second, they communicate our inner lives in a way that words alone just can’t match – Hollywood knows this well. Finally, they serve as icebreakers that crack open protective shells, letting partners see, touch and feel the experiences that have been long buried by numbness or fear and fueling the bonding events that change relationships. It’s not surprising that substantial research in EFT and beyond has shown that a higher level of emotional expression is positively correlated with favorable treatment outcome. The challenge for the EFT therapist is that many clients don’t easily go to deeper, vulnerable emotions – even after their conflict cycle has de-escalated. Therapists can start to feel discouraged or even helpless when all their great de-escalation work doesn’t result in emotion-driven enactments in stage 2. Here are a couple of ideas to keep in mind as you work with couples to bring more emotion in the room.

• Check your timing – Partners are especially cautious about expressing vulnerability when they don’t safe and supported in the room. Are they sufficiently de-escalated as a couple and do they feel a strong alliance with you?
• Notice the entry points – we all know them: the word, phrase or image that conveys strong emotion. Listen and look for them and don’t let yourself get distracted by content.
• Evoke more – When you notice these entry points for emotion, linger and ask, ‘What’s coming up now for you, inside, as you say…?’ ‘What is happening now for you as you…?’
• Gently block or at least note their exits – how they touch primary emotion and retreat to a narrative that dilutes it, or an explanation – and refocus. Be persistent.
• Keep your focus on emotion – It’s surprisingly easy to revert to explaining emotions to help clarify, but it takes them out experiencing emotion in the moment. I had to remind myself early on that EFT wasn’t Explanation Focused Therapy.
• You exit too soon – You’re right on track, evoking, and the client is responding, but you just stop too soon. You just need to make sure the emotion is more vividly felt and conveyed.
• Finally, you don’t use the heightened emotion to create interpersonal change. This is where enactments come it. At the moment one partner has that ‘holy crap, I’m out on the end of a limb!’ feeling is the time to ask them to share it with their partner. It heightens the experience even more since they’re sharing something that has often remained covered or disguised.

Next time, I’ll offer some specific suggestions for how to heighten. The words, images, etc. that I’ve found helpful with many couples.

Guest blogger Dr. Jennifer McComb Phd, LMFT, CST

jennifermccomb.com

As couple therapists we often hear our clients complain about experiencing a desire discrepancy.  Sexual desire is complex and is known to be difficult to treat due to the numerous factors that influence one’s interest in sex, including relationship dynamics, physical and mental health concerns and the medications used to treat them.

By the time I see these couples in my office, familiar patterns have often emerged, with the higher desire partner generally blaming the lower desire partner for their failing sex life and the lower desire partner defending him or herself and or criticizing their partner’s approach to sexual intimacy.  These cycles are painful for couples, erode attachment security, and create even more distance between partners that makes intimacy and vulnerability difficult to achieve. They’re exactly the sort of cycles we address in stage 1 of EFT.

It is not surprising that one or both partners think something is “wrong”, as spontaneous desire, fantasizing and yearning for sexual activity have often, until recently, been accepted as evidence of healthy sexual desire. Rosemary Basson and her colleagues at the University of British Columbia have done pioneering work in the area of sexual desire – with a focus on understanding the differences between female and male desire. We now know that there are two different kinds of desire: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire occurs more in the moment, without a clear trigger and is a more common experience for men. Responsivedesire tends to be triggered in response to a particular context – typically low stress and high connection. Many women report experiencing responsive desire, but little to no spontaneous desire, with the exception of early in a new relationship.

“I don’t yearn for sex with my partner in the way that he/she wants me to, but I notice that after we have enjoyed a night together and I am feeling more emotionally connected, I feel more open to sexual intimacy. Once we get started I am able to get aroused, feel desire and derive pleasure from the experience and often wonder why I don’t desire this more often!”

“I have always thought there was something wrong with me as I never really think about sex. I enjoy it when it happens, but I never feel the desire to initiate it.  My partner thinks this means I have no interest in sex, which I don’t agree with, but I guess that is how it seems.”

Although these differences are typically thought of as gender specific with women experiencing more responsive desire and men experiencing more spontaneous desire, I have worked with same sex couples where one partner experiences responsive desire while the other experiences more spontaneous desire and heterosexual couples where the typical experiences are reversed. From my perspective, it is the concept of normative variability in the experience of sexual desire that is most helpful as it moves away from pathologizing clients to understanding that they experience sexual desire differently.

This new understanding of sexual desire is important to EFT therapists because it will help you hear your clients’ stories of desire differently. Next time someone is in your office complaining of (or being blamed for) having no sexual desire, I encourage you to explore this further, as very often what clients are really saying is that they experience no spontaneous desire. This is an opportunity for you to explore how their conflict cycle impacts desire and how feeling connected, safe, and secure in their relationship can foster openness to sexual intimacy. But most importantly, you will have the opportunity to validate their experience as normal and help them (and their partner) understand that there is nothing wrong with them. This experience alone can be transformative for individuals and couples and help them re-establish a strong emotional bond as it relates to their sexual relationship.

“I feel normal for the first time in my life and now my husband is starting to believe that my lack of spontaneous desire is not a reflection of his lack of desirability. We are starting to figure this out and I have noticed moments of openness to sex, which feels great. We’re no longer locked in the cycle of his pursuit and my defending.”

“I understand her better now and for the first time ever I feel hopeful that we can figure this out.”

You, and your clients, can read more about this new way of understanding desire in the New York Times article “There is nothing wrong with your sex drive” by Emily Nagoski: www.nytimes.com/2015/02/27/opinion/nothing-is-wrong-with-your-sex-drive.html?_r=0

Guest blogger: Amy Steinhauer, LCSW, CST, Evanston Relational Psychotherapy

A late 60s heterosexual couple enters my office. They have turned away from each other sexually since his surgery for prostate cancer several years ago. He has tried the doctor’s recommendations: oral medication, injected medication, a pump. But all of those things he found cumbersome, not very effective, and disheartening. She doesn’t want to upset him by asking for more closeness, for seeking an erotic connection together, even if it looks different now.

An early-30s lesbian couple enters my office. They love each other, but things have changed since the birth of their children two and four years ago. They have little time together when they’re not exhausted, and sex, well, that just doesn’t happen these days.

A late 20s woman enters my office. She has a medical problem that leads to pain during penetration, and it’s not expected to go away. She has been furious at her husband’s sexual advances. Her husband has become more withdrawn, or occasionally provocative.

Life strikes. And sex changes. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it changes for the better. But people who land in my office have found that it has changed in ways they find problematic.

As a sex therapist, I am trained in the behavioral techniques. I can talk to men about start-stop exercises to help rapid ejaculation, talk to women about strategies to reduce painful sex, teach wax-wane and non-demand pleasuring exercises for erectile dysfunction, and encourage people to explore pleasure in ways that support orgasm. That’s often what people are coming to my office looking for. But it won’t surprise us as EFT therapists that those techniques are just part of the story.

s an EFT therapist, I want to know the impact of the sexual concerns. What does it mean to this couple if he loses his erection? If she withdraws in the face of pain or flashbacks? If orgasm becomes more difficult? If medical problems sap libido? How do they reach to each other, protect their connection, help one another feel secure? What role does the sexual difficulty play in their negative cycle?

Some of my favorite research in the field of sex therapy is done by Peggy Kleinplatz at the University of Ottawa on “Optimal Sexuality.” Kleinplatz studied people from several diverse populations who reported having had great sex in their lifetimes. None of her conclusions were about performance, fancy techniques, or erotic gymnastics. Among the top components of optimal sexuality? Being present, focused, and embodied. Connection, alignment, being in sync. Extraordinary communication and heightened empathy. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, and transparent. Vulnerability and surrender. Do those sound an awful lot like EFT goals to you?

Much of our professional training has little to say about sex, unless we specifically seek that out, and sex ends up an ignored topic in the therapy office. While it’s true that a specific sex therapy skill set is sometimes needed, it’s clear to me that EFT therapists have a great deal to offer couples experiencing sexual problems. This potentially great pairing has inspired us, as a trio of certified sex therapists who also practice EFT, to develop a training tailored for our EFT community on working with sexual issues.

Over the past eight years of involvement in EFT trainings, I’ve heard a wide variety of ways that people learn of the model: a conference workshop, a one-day training, a course in grad school, etc., But after all this time, I still hear people mention an article Sue Johnson wrote for the Psychotherapy Networker in 2006,  back when it was still called the Family Therapy Networker. Sue describes her early efforts to understand couple conflict and the eventual recognition that it comes out of a rupture to couples’ attachment bond. She goes on to say that she learned to closely track process in the moment and that key to lasting change was helping partners access and share vulnerable emotions. The resulting endpoint of EFT is re-establishment of a strong emotional bond that helps couples work through conflict more easily, deepen felt security and added resilience to handle the inevitable bumps and potholes of couple life. It’s still a great intro to EFT with couples and if you’re already well acquainted, a good reminder. Here’s the link to the article, “Are You There for Me?” on the Psychotherapy Networker website. Enjoy.

A few weeks ago a group of advanced EFT practitioners met together to do a live supervision session using a bug-in-the-ear. If you’re not familiar with the process, the therapist conducts the session in an office with her couple as usual, but with the addition of a blue-tooth earpiece and cell phone while the rest of the group watches a video feed in another room. I was giving the therapist suggestions based on her goals for the session. She had the option to come out at some point for in-session feedback, though in this case she came out only towards the end to get the group’s affirmations and appreciations of the couple, which she then shared with them. It’s a powerful way to learn EFT: the therapist gets in-the-moment guidance and can see its impact in real time. She can also note areas to improve such as heightening emotion or deepening enactments. The therapist, by the way, did a great job: she helped the couple shift their pattern more and began the withdrawer re-engagement process.

So how is this related to positive emotions? Well, the couple – who hadn’t met with the therapist for several weeks – came in saying they’d been getting along well. They underscored their progress with examples of reduced conflict and more closeness. It was clear they felt good about the shift to more interactions in their cycle. Sounds good, right? The shift sounded genuine and although they weren’t ending therapy, they were reaping some benefits of their hard work, not to mention the therapist’s expertise.

But now what? Even though we all appreciate it, sometimes it can be a challenge to work with progress and positive emotions,. One risk is the couple and therapist don’t find a real entry point for the session – we’re generally guided by what Les Greenberg refers to as the ‘pain compass’ to help establish a focus – so while everyone enjoys the moment, there isn’t much real progress. Another, less common risk is they see themselves as finished with therapy even though they haven’t yet completed the Stage 2 change processes of Withdrawer Re-engagement and Blamer Softening. But the most common risk is a lost opportunity to help the couple see that they often deal with positive primary emotions similarly to how they deal with negative primary emotion: they don’t express it, or if they do, it’s in a muted way that doesn’t fully engage the partner.

Back to the live session: here’s what happened. We took the positive emotions and placed them in their cycle. Remember, the cycle isn’t just about the specific emotions expressed, it’s also how they engage with each other. First the therapist expanded and heightened the positive experience – joy, relief and pleasure – just like we do with painful experience. Something like, “After all this time of struggling with your cycle and so often feeling cut off, it must be an enormous relief to enjoy your renewed closeness.” Then she asked an essential question, “When you’re feeling all that warmth and pleasure how do you tell each other?” The answer, essentially, ‘Well we don’t really’.

It’s not surprising. When partners become cautious about expressing hurt because they haven’t felt safe and accepted during the hard times, they often feel similar caution about expressing positive feelings. The partner might see it very differently – that nothing has really changed; or may say, yes there’s been change, but not nearly enough, or it’s taken too long. And just as there’s risk in sharing positive emotion – think of it as a bid for connection and intimacy – the listening partner takes a risk too. They wonder if it can be trusted; if it can bear the weight of discussion and maybe a few missteps as they’re just beginning to see tender expressions of vulnerability. Why these doubts? The key questions remain: Is there enough safety to share vulnerability? Can partners trust enough to drop their guard and let each other in? Will they see themselves as weak if they talk about how much they need each other?

The therapist’s task here is to validate and affirm new, positive experiences while helping them slow down and marinate in the healthy pride of changing stubborn patterns. But she needs to also recognize the risks they face in deeper intimacy, often coming after either a single relationship-threatening event or a longer period of conflict or distance. It helps in these moments to first, note the impact of the positive changes on the couple’s cycle and then guide partners to deeper intimacy by creating enactments based on the positive experiences. This is not “EFT light” though: It can be real work for couple and therapist alike and it builds a platform from which they take further risks with each other.

Getting back to the live session, it was interesting how after twenty minutes or so of working with the positive emotions, the therapist returned to their core cycle, heightened the primary emotions of the withdrawer, created a solid enactment and processed the pursuer’s response. Working with positive emotions didn’t take away from the session – it increased access to the painful emotions that needed to be accepted and expressed.
Till next time…
Jeff

Last month, we started EFT Advanced Core Skills series in both Minneapolis/St. Paul and Detroit and having the sessions just a week apart helped me finally clarify how to teach an essential element in helping couples de-escalate: In early sessions the therapist has to frequently and smoothly shift the focus from the cycle, to the emotional impact of the cycle, back to the cycle and so forth. It sounds simple, but requires deft balance between two different focal points. Think of a violinist, whose left hand moves quickly up and down the fingerboard, each finger precisely placed to produce distinct pitches, while the right hand holds a bow that often moves at a completely different pace. Left and right hands work together to produce the intricate beauty of a Vivaldi concerto. Not too unlike an EFT therapist’s dual focus on cycles and emotions.

In initial sessions, partners usually recognize the basics of their conflict cycle, especially how they get triggered by each other. They also usually talk about how frustrated or discouraged they’re feeling about the relationship. The harder part? Linking the two. In the recent Core Skills sessions we drilled on this theme a lot and here’s how we did it. We helped partners identify their cycle, note the emotional impact of the cycle, then as they talk about that impact we place it back in the cycle. And as we place it back in the cycle we focus anew on the emotional impact. Hear the shifting focus? As we alternately clarify the cycle and access primary emotions, couples get clearer not only on what they do, but also the emotions that both contribute to and result from their interaction. After all, while emotions fuel reactivity in the moment, that reactivity elicits more emotions and so forth. Often, the more challenging part is to help partners see the cycle while also accessing and identifying the primary emotions that help feed the cycle.

It might look like this. Hal talks about the lack of quality time he has with Brenda and how when he brings it up she usually defends and responds with her own complaint about needing support with the kids and other tasks. Brenda then describes feeling burdened by a demanding job plus most of the parenting responsibility and that she harbors resentment about not getting more help – a very typical cycle. The therapist starts by noting the between with a basic description of their cycle: When Hal asks for more one-on-one time, Brenda feels criticized and defends herself, but then follows up with a complaint of her own about being asked to give even more while still needing his support. Hal then feels blamed and believes his wish for more connection is unheard or even unimportant to Brenda.

Considering the impact of the cycle on each partner, the therapist begins to subtly shift to within. He might ask Hal, “How has it felt to wish for more contact with Brenda while doubting your importance to her?” Or he might ask Brenda, “Can you say more about that burdened, lonely feeling, when you’ve asked for, but not gotten the support you’re needing?”  Better yet, the therapist does each in turn, helping each talk in more detail about where they hurt, emphasizing experiences of feeling unimportant to or not accepted by the other.

They’re beginning to express a little of the primary emotion that’s so often hidden in conflict cycles and now it’s time to shift back to the between. Important as it is to acknowledge these primary feelings, the focus shifts to what they do with them? So the therapist asks Brenda, “What do you do with your lonely, burdened feeling? How do you talk about it with Hal?” When she says she’s given up on that because it just led to more conflict, the therapist places her unshared hurt back in the cycle. “As you’ve given up on expressing your hurt and loneliness, you show more of the resentment and Hal no longer hears you needing his support. Instead he sees what looks like a sort of wall between you.” As Brenda experiences the hurt in the moment, she’s beginning to experientially appreciate that while dealing with it by shutting it away helps her cope, it likely makes it harder for Hal to see it. And Hal gets a glimpse of the hurt side of Brenda – not just the frustration that often disguises it.

Later on, the therapist places Hal’s rejection and loneliness back in the cycle. “As Brenda feels unsupported, you start to push harder for a response, to feel like you matter. And what’s happening for you behind the pushing?” Hal says he knows he sounds critical, but in addition to the frustration starts to feel bad about himself, wondering what it says about him as a husband. The therapist reflects his self-doubt and hurt while again, placing it back in the cycle. “I guess pushing might be your way of dealing with the doubt about your importance to Brenda. It’s hard to tell her directly, so instead you push and criticize, which just increases the tension and distance between you.”  Once again the emerging primary emotion gets heard and experienced by both partners, shedding some light on the conflict cycle.

By maintaining a focus on both the cycle itself and the emotional impact of the cycle partners are gaining clarity about their conflict pattern and how they typically deal with it. They’re hearing – and more importantly, experiencing – the distinction between the vulnerable primary emotion they feel, but often don’t express, and the secondary reactions of blame and retreat they typically see in each other.  The rewarding part for me is that it not only helps me makes sense of their conflict cycle, but they’re getting it as well.

I’ve always struggled with prescribing homework for couples. First, nobody likes doing it. Second, it can be difficult to know how to follow up when it isn’t done, or even attempted.  Finally, while it’s a typical feature of more behaviorally oriented approaches – and I’ve been giving much more homework since learning sex therapy – it’s often not so prominent in experiential models. I’ve been studying and practicing EFT for over 10 years and homework as a part of the therapy process wasn’t talked about in trainings much until relatively recently.  It’s not surprising since the roots and process of EFT are so strongly experiential. You can see it in the interventions: we evoke emotion in the moment; we heighten primary emotions – especially those related to vulnerability; we set up enactments to bring alive partners’ experience of each other. We also focus on in-session process, tracking partners’ responses to each other, what draws them in and what leads them to pull away or attack. And we ask about cycles of conflict and distance outside the session, in an effort to understand how partners ask for and respond to each other’s needs. But one of the perennial challenges is helping couples take all that great experiential work out into the world and use it to slow down cycles, take risks to be more vulnerable and continue the process of strengthening their attachment bonds.

Before telling you about some excellent EFT-oriented books to add to your current resources, here are a couple of suggestions. They’re appropriate for almost any couple.

• At the close of the initial session, ask partners to have a brief chat in the next day or two about how they felt about their session. Suggest they not revisit conflict points from the session, rather this is about how they felt about meeting with you, your style and approach and anything they particularly like or disliked. In addition to creating a structured interaction, it helps set the tone for monitoring and strengthening the alliance.
• Also at the close of the first session or subsequent stage one sessions, suggest basic awareness work. Ask them to notice how their cycle starts and progresses, and how they get out of it – if they do. Can they identify a vulnerable emotion related to hurt or fear underneath their typical pursuit or withdrawal – even if they choose not to share it at that moment? They get bonus points for being able to actually interrupt the pattern.
• Standing homework for my couples is to revisit a particularly poignant moment of connection that occurred in the session. I’ll often flag this for them in stage two by asking, for example, a re-engaged withdrawer to remind the pursuing partner what it meant and how it felt to hear the more vulnerable primary emotions. It helps build familiarity and comfort with sharing deeply and carries their bonding out of the office and into their lives.

A few suggestions about giving homework: It’s essential to have clients’ buy-in, so co-create it. If it isn’t meaningful after they leave the office they’re far less likely to do it. Suggest it as a way to speed treatment progress and give them time to comment on and fine tune your suggestions.  Many couples need to start small, so build on what you’re doing in the office and see if they can reprise that work or take it just a step further. Suggesting homework, but not asking about it at the next session tells clients it’s not important. There may be great reasons to start with more immediate concerns, but be sure to come back to the homework.

Now for those resources:

• First are Sue Johnson’s enrichment books, Love Sense (2013) and Hold Me Tight (2008). Love Sense emphasizes reflection and guided imagery that helps individuals increase their awareness of the role of attachment bonds ruptures and other experiences across their life span. Hold Me Tight is anchored by the conversations couples are directed to have to help slow down cycles, identify ‘raw spots’, repair relationship injuries, discuss sex concerns and needs, etc. Both are great resources for couples in treatment. I’ve also had a number of people call seeking EFT after reading one of Sue’s books.
• Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies (2013), by EFT trainers and researchers Brent Bradley and Jim Furrow, is typical of the Dummies series: very clear points in simple language, tips and activities and the narrative sections are kept brief.  Many men in particular appreciate its concise, directive suggestions and homework. Another strength of this book is its focus on how emotions arise and unfold in the context of couple conflict and bonding. I’d say it focuses more on emotion than the attachment aspect of EFT.
• EFT trainers Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jenny Fitzgerald’s brand new book, An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples (2014) is, according to the publisher, ‘intended for couples currently working with an EFT therapist and follows the course of treatment so it can be integrated into the therapy’. The material and assignments are presented in a clearly structured way so couples can remain focused on the role of attachment in couple distress.

As you can see, there’s a growing pool of resources available to support couples’ work outside of therapy to integrate what they’re learning in therapy. Please share your own ideas and I’ll follow up with a list of additional suggestions and resources. It’s an important – and often neglected – way to increase the potency of what we already do so well.

Till next time,

Jeff

PS. A reminder that the 2014-15 Core Skills Series begins October 10 & 11. You can still get in on the Early Bird Discount if you register and pay by September 12. More info here.

I learned a new word at the Chicago Externship I co-led a few months ago with Lisa Palmer-Olsen of San Diego: “attachify”. Lisa first heard it from Dan Kim, an EFT therapist and colleague, but who knows, it may have been invented by others as well. Sometimes we just need a verb to cut straight to the heart of the matter.

If you’ve studied EFT, then you likely know what it means. And if you’ve had EFT supervision, you definitely know. Most of my supervision sessions include at least one suggestion to add more attachment-rich words, phrases or images to all the basic interventions – reflection, validation, tracking cycles, evocative response and heightening we all do.

Why is it so important?  Well first, it naturally captures a relational meaning. We’re explicitly talking about one partner’s hurt, loneliness and sadness in a relational context and tracking or highlighting the impact it has on the other. Attachment language also helps orient clients to the key focal points of EFT: the emotions related to vulnerability and the related need to feel securely attached, both of which fuel so many couples’ negative interaction cycles. It also often includes metaphors and images, often a shortcut to heart-felt meaning, and a key way to help clients access and experience emotions in the moment. Finally, clarifying and heightening attachment significance helps build empathy: partners are hearing the impact they have on each other, especially as it relates to the sense of belonging, safety and feeling cared about.

Attachify – verb, intransitive, \ə-ˈtach\ə\fī\: to reflect, heighten, etc. clients’ experience with words or images that evoke or recognize the basic human need for closeness and connection, especially in close, intimate relationships. Here are a couple of examples. As you read them, compare the therapist’s two possible responses and note the difference.

Sally has felt distance in her marriage to Jim for years, but it increased after a recent cancer diagnosis and treatment. She says, “I never know what’s going on with you, how to read you. You went through the cancer treatment last year and I tried to be supportive, but had no idea how you felt until I overheard you talking with your Dad about how worried you were.”

Therapist: I guess you must worry when you see him go through something this significant and don’t know how he’s feeling on the inside, and harder yet to hear of it’s impact in this indirect way. And it makes sense this is important to you; couples tend to do better when they can share these experiences together.

Not a bad reflection, right? It captures the gist of her concern, validates a bit and recognizes the importance of attachment in times of threat and uncertainty. Now have a look at the attachified version.

I guess you must worry when you see him go through such a threatening experience and feel like you’re not part of his inner world; that you’re not the partner he shares his needs, and maybe his fears with. I imagine you might feel like you’re on the outside when you’d most like to be at his side, sharing his fears with him.

Hear the difference? How it evokes and builds on Sally’s words and emphasizes proximity, inclusion and accessibility at a time of vulnerability? For added impact try reading the two responses out loud and track your own emotional response. Or try imagining yourself as Sally and see if the second feels more attuned and evocative. Here’s another example:

Len has been hesitant to commit to his partner, Doug. He rarely initiates physical affection and tends to be emotionally closed as well. The therapist encourages him, via an enactment, to tell Doug directly about the emotions that help maintain the distance, the blocks to engagement. He says, “I do have a hard time opening up and being vulnerable. Sometimes I don’t try because I doubt that I even know how to be close. What if I try and fail? What will that say to you about me – about us together? So I do hang back and wait. And I know you’re disappointed and I feel even worse.”

Therapist: Len, It’s important that you’re telling him this, about your doubts about yourself and your fear of failure. It’s a big part of what has held you back from committing. No wonder you’ve kept this to yourself, not wanting him to be disappointed or to feel disappointed in yourself. So then you get cautious and retreat, not telling him about your doubt and fear and in the end feel even worse about yourself.

Now, an attachified version:

Therapist: You see Doug, longing for more closeness and connection with you, yes? But then the fear sets in; fear that you’ll reach out to him and get it wrong or won’t do enough to tell him how much he means to you and how scary it is to let him in. So you hang back, hoping to spare him the disappointment; wanting not to be a disappointment to him. And this distance between you opens up once again, leaving you both feeling separated and alone. Do I have this right?

Again, the first response has several key well-timed interventions: affirmation, validation, a bit of tracking the cycle, reframing. Do you notice the emphasis on attachment in the second example? Imagine yourself as Doug; does the attachified example draw you in more, evoke more compassion, help you lower your guard?

So I can imagine some folks saying, ok, I get it, but how do I get better at this? First, remember the attachment lens when listening, reflecting, etc. It’s often the disconnection resulting from conflict that’s most distressing for partners. Think about the impact of disengagement as partners express their concerns and complaints. Second, use your own experience in the moment when listening. Our own well-attuned empathic gut can be a powerful amplifier of client emotion. And watch your session videos. When there’s less pressure to respond in the moment, we all find it easier to attune and generate what we wish we’d said. Finally, come up with a few key phrases and images that capture the spirit of attachment for you and write them down. Every model of therapy has its own vocabulary and it will help to have some words and phrases to help you attachify your interventions.

If you’re interested, send me some of your own examples of how you attachify your interventions – there are many ways to do it. I’ll share them in a future post.

Till next time,

Jeff

The dates are set for Chicago Core Skills, your chance to learn, practice and sharpen your EFT skills with couples! Over the course of four 2-day sessions, we work through EFT, step by step, to deepen your understanding and integrate the skills that help you become more effective in your EFT practice. Each weekend includes focused discussion, review of stage-specific session videos, demonstrations of interventions, extended role play practice sessions and case consultations utilizing participant session videos (each participant presents one time over the course of the four sessions). If you are ready for advanced learning in EFT, this is the best next step. This is advanced EFT training and requires previous completion of an ICEEFT-endorsed Externship. Since each successive weekend builds on the preceding one, participants are expected to attend all four sessions.

A few participant comments over the past year:

• “I wanted to thank you again for all you do and did to make Core Skills the valuable experience it was. I am grateful for all I learned and the experience shared with so many. It, without doubt, will and has informed and improved my work.”
• “Very supportive. Nice specifics. Nice gentle feedback, helpful critiques. You’re good at making this seem possible!”
• “I’m very inspired by this work, love your teaching, and look forward to the next one in Feb.”
• “Excellent balance of challenge and support.”
• “The Core Skills helped me learn so much and gave me the experience of trying things, both in the role play and in viewing our efforts on tape. But my thank you is that you are a great, really great teacher, and I am most grateful. You made it safe to try, to experiment ,to question, and you were always supportive.” 

The dates:

October 10-11, 2014

December 5-6, 2014

February 6-7, 2015

April 17-18, 2015

All trainings take place at the Hilton Garden Inn in Evanston. For more information and to register:

Complete description of Core Skills

EFT Certification