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by guest blogger, Ileana Ungureanu, MD, PhD, LMFT

I first learned about the EFT model in my MFT Master program. As any graduate student, I was looking for a theory, a model to be my ‘professional home’. While the systemic-based theories were appealing to me and the reason I chose this field, I struggled to find one that really fit my world view, the way I see life and how relationships work, especially intimate family and couple relationships. And then, the day came when I was introduced to EFT! WOW… it was love at first sight… (or first reading!)  I felt EFT was speaking my relationship language; this is how I think it works, now it all makes sense! And what is interesting, it is that I have heard these kinds of stories and reactions from other clinicians as well. All over the world! Believe it or not, I am still as enthusiastic about EFT as I was back then! My students can testify to this!  Either when teaching or supervising them, I can’t help but referring to EFT and attachment theories because it makes the most sense to me. 

Learning EFT has helped me not only be a better clinician, but also understand my own dynamics in relationships. I believe it has helped me to express more of my caring and made me a more patient person. Susan Johnson, the creator of the model, talks about A.R.E. as building blocks in creating attachment bonds: Accessibility (A), Responsiveness (R), and Engagement (E). While I am helping my clients with their A.R.E., I am constantly working on being more and more intentional with my own.

Another thing I found when I found my ‘professional home’ was a community of clinicians that share my enthusiasm and my views on therapy!  People who are committed to work on their own A.R.E. in the professional realm, in their journey of growth as EFTers, through the local EFT community (Chicago Center for EFT) and also through the world-wide community (International Center for Excellence in EFT). I am looking forward to meeting new fellow EFT enthusiasts in the near future!

The EFT Externship is the first step in getting trained in this cutting edge model!  The 2018 EFT Externship is coming up in June!  Don’t miss your chance to register!

EFT as my guide, personally and professionally, by guest blogger, Sara Morrow, MSMFT – Staff Therapist, The Family Institute at Northwestern University  www.family-institute.org

As a young therapist, almost three years out of graduate school, I have sometimes struggled to make sense of the difficult dynamics happening in front of me when I see a couple. As I started working in the field, I felt like all the “skills” and “tools” that I had previously learned, seemed to only go so far with some couples. Something was missing: people would come back and say that they had tried a tool, but still felt disconnected and hopeless. What to do?

Luckily for me, my supervisor was pursuing EFT certification when I started working as a therapist. I began to learn about the model in supervision and was intrigued enough to attend the Externship in 2016, followed by Core Skills thereafter. Even though I have a whole lot more to learn, I feel like I have a solid framework for conceptualizing couples cases. When I am floundering, I pull out my favorite EFT conceptualization diagram (by Paul Sigafus, LMFT), and map out the “data” that I already have, and notice what I am potentially missing. It feels like I have found some of the footing that I was looking for in my work!

A favorite “EFT moment” happened when a very stoic and non-emotive husband was finally able to talk about feeling incredibly alone in his relationship. It was hard getting there, with a lot of defensive comments about emotions and the work that we were trying to do in sessions. I felt intimidated by him and I only imagined how his partner felt. But when we finally got to the sadness and loneliness that he was feeling, I got to see another side to this man. It was incredibly powerful and it helped infuse my work with so much more compassion and understanding. My sense of intimidation lessened dramatically.

In my personal life, I feel like I have become a better partner in the sense that I have gained more relational self-awareness from being a student of EFT: my perpetual fear is that of being a burden and not being valued. I know when these fears are getting triggered and how to respond vs. react. On the other side, I view my partner with a “fuller” lens in terms of what is happening underneath the behavior (or secondary emotion) that I am bristling to. With this, I have developed more patience.

Lastly, I can see that the line between myself and my clients isn’t so huge: we are all humans with vulnerabilities and coping strategies, after all. We can all fall into a cycle that can be hard to break out of, without a little bit of help.

The first step in getting trained in EFT is the 4 day Externship which happens in Chicago once a year.  The CCEFT 2018 EFT Externship is coming up in June!  Don’t miss your opportunity to learn about this cutting edge treatment!

by guest blogger, Gretchen Harro, M.A., LMFT

The 2018 EFT Externship is coming up in June!  Don’t miss your opportunity to learn about this cutting edge treatment!

Hi All,

I would like to announce that Janet Voss has recently been conferred certification as an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist.   For those of you that know Janet, you know how warm she is.  Beneath that warmth is a gentle and persistent determination to work around obstacles. This combination of warmth and perseverance was on display in her stage II tape where she brought a strong traumatized male to tears for the first time in years – a transformative moment.

Janet practices in Winnetka and can be contacted at Janetmvoss@gmail.com or 847-764-9231.

Please join me in congratulating Janet for her well deserved success!

Regards, Don.

by Nikki Lively, LCSW  –  www.nikkilively.com

I’ve been interested in doing couples therapy since early 2006 when I realized that in order to be a truly effective perinatal mental health specialist, I needed to be able to help relationships heal from the stress and trauma of serious postpartum depression, anxiety, and psychosis. At the time I was working in a department of psychiatry as a therapist in a women’s mental health program where no other staff therapists were offering couples therapy as it was a very medical model and individual lens that was used in the department. So, I began to seek outside training and supervision in different models of couples therapy, each one had something to offer in terms of interventions to try, but none offered a coherent set of ideas, or research to explain why and how couples who once loved and liked each other, end up distant, distressed, and hostile with one another. I had no guiding theory about romantic relationships that would help me make decisions about how best to help couples in the moment when they were in pain and mourning the love and connection they once had.

About 2 years into my journey to learn how to be a couples therapist, one of my couples told me about a self-help relationship book they were reading that they really liked. “It’s called Hold Me Tight”, the wife said, “we really love it! Have you read it?” I hadn’t even heard of it! As it often happens in clinical practice, my couples were teaching me more about how to be a good therapist than any training I had attended! My couples up until this point were teaching me that they needed things from each other that they didn’t even know how to express, (thus the communication interventions I was using at the time were falling so flat!) and this couple pointed me to the book that would finally bring it all together for me!

I read Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight and knew immediately that this was the missing piece I had needed not only to help me conceptualize what was happening in the relationships of the couples I was seeing, but also to help me understand myself and my own relationship! Adult attachment theory is the radical idea (at least in American culture) that we need our partner to be emotionally available and responsive to us to feel emotionally well and that if we don’t feel that or have that, we have predictable ways to try and cope with this painful reality. Everything I saw my couples do and say in sessions suddenly made sense, and I was filled with understanding and compassion and a renewed sense of how I could actually help them find their connection again.

I pursued training in EFT and am proud to say I am now a Certified EFT therapist! It has made all the difference in my practice and changed the way I relate to everyone in my life as well! I recently had the pleasure of seeing Sue Johnson do a keynote speech on EFT at a family therapy conference. One of the things she said during that talk is what I would say to any therapist who is on the fence about investing in EFT training. She said, “I find with EFT, the theory never lets me down”. This is exactly right! Having this humanistic, compassionate and research-based theory of human attachment makes every couple understandable, and with understanding comes true empathy and the calmness and wisdom to guide them in the direction of loving and liking each other again!

I went to workshops and talks by Daniel Wile, the Gottmans, the Hendrixes, Bader & Pearson, Cloe Madanes, Michele Weiner-Davis, and Terry Real. And those are just the ones I remember. Yes, I saw them all in person. And while all of them had something useful to say, nothing “clicked.” So I kept searching for the couple therapy approach that I felt would be worth my time and investment into further training. In the meantime, I was still floundering in my couple work, yet still doggedly trying to figure it out.

And then I found it.

Enactments – pt. 2

Enactments are key to partners establishing and deepening engagement, so it pays to know when and how to use them for maximum impact, from the first session through stage 2. To paraphrase what Chicago ward bosses used to tell their constituents on election day, ‘vote early – and vote often’.

Stage 1 Enactments
It’s your first session, and during a brief moment in an otherwise high conflict exchange, one partner says, “It’s been really hard to get stuck in the same spot over and over again.” ‘Really hard’ is generalized and vague, but it’s an opening. Catching the moment, you say, “When the conflict as been so draining and near-constant, it must have eroded some of the best parts of your relationship. How do you tell her it’s been so hard to be stuck in such an arduous rut?” “I don’t, it wouldn’t make a difference and it would still end in a fight.” You say, “Sure, it would be a stretch to open up even a little bit when things have been so hot, so you keep it the feelings inside. Can you try something a little different, and tell her directly, ‘it’s been so hard, and draining, to keep getting stuck in exactly the same awful spot and how much you want to find a way out of it?”
It’s a small step, but you’re noticing and bringing out emotion. Since it’s an early enactment, you structure it carefully, scripting more than in later stages. You’re not asking them to take the risks that you will in later stages, but you’re slowing down the interaction. Even if the listening partner says, “Well it wouldn’t be so hard if you just showed up from time to time!”, it’s ok. Take a breath, then validate and put the response in their cycle, “ I get it; you’ve been locked in this pattern for so long that it’s not only hard, but almost impossible to slow down and hear each other’s hurt. Instead, it’s the anger that comes across and it pushes you away from each other”.

Stage 2 Enactments
These have a very different flavor. Partners are now able to identify and talk from primary emotion. The goal is to help them get to a depth of vulnerability they rarely express and they need your encouragement to get there. The cues are unmistakable: the change in vocal tone, the downward glance, a shift in posture, poignant images. They’re all openings to more tender emotions – often fear or shame – and you help them drop deeper into them. They’re de-escalated and ready for bonding events. Believe in them, it’s time to gently press forward.
You notice the heavy sadness in one partner’s face as she talks about how she keeps a protective distance and say to her, “This is the place where you’ve felt so hurt, but it hasn’t felt safe to show it, is this right?” She says, “That’s right, I’ve just never felt I mattered. I’ve wanted to say, ‘I need to know you still love me’, but haven’t been able to say the words.” You let yourself feel her sadness and the tip or her fear. It’s time to heighten more, using her words and images: “To feel like you don’t matter to him and not know to say it. It must be very lonely, like you’re in your own world, cut off from him. And if you try to tell him, you might get missed, so the words stick in your throat; you could fall without him there to catch you and it would be crushing.” She starts to tear up and you give her a moment to let her emotions catch up. Time slows down.
Her partner is watching, listening; you know he’s present and engaged. Quietly, you say, “His eyes have been fixed on you. Can you turn to him now, look in his eyes for a moment, and when you’re ready, talk from your heart about this dark, overwhelming fear?” She hesitates and you wait – emotions need time to work – lending your quiet presence. Eventually, voice breaking, she says to him, “When we met, I never let myself believe it would last. I never had anyone who said I was special. I finally let myself believe in you – in us – and then you started up with someone else. I felt like a fool to have ever believed. What is it about me?” You validate her courage for taking the risk to share her most vulnerable self. “That took a lot for you to put yourself out there like that. You didn’t give up or back down.”
Her partner seems stunned, glances down at the floor and searches for words. It’s time to bring alive his experience in the moment. Evoking and heightening, you ask, “What’s going on inside for you now as she shares with you this deep, raw hurt, her face full of sadness?” He says, “I don’t really know what to say. I know I’ve hurt her, but I’m not going anywhere without her.” You note he’s talking to you; he needs your help to respond to her with support and acceptance. Continuing the enactment you ask, “Can you turn and tell her you hear and see her hurt? And how much you want to ease her pain?” Finding his footing he says, “I know I’ve hurt you and I can’t forgive myself for it. I let you down and you deserve better”. Her body relaxes and she softens a bit. Keep the enactment going, “Tell her please, what it means to you for her to let you in in such a big way”. You can keep processing the interaction because these are moments of engagement.
Enactments are essential to creating bonding events in stage 2. Talking about sadness or shame isn’t enough. Partners need to talk from a place of vulnerability. After all, the block to re-engagement isn’t feeling sadness or fear, it’s being unable to safely talk about those emotions.
One of the biggest challenges in learning EFT is to continue heightening and expanding emotions when doing enactments. Trust the process, it’s easy to stop too early and miss the depth of emotion needed to heal wounds. Couples need our attunement and persistence to create the engagement that strengthens lasting bonds. Try it. Access and heighten primary emotion, then heighten even more. Now they’re ready to take risks.

Jeff Hickey, LCSW
Director Chicago Center for EFT

Enactments – pt.1

Have you been doing enactments with your couples? Having any questions about how, why and when to do them? You’re not alone. Read on…

Enactments are the face-to-face sharing of primary emotions – such as fear or shame. Or needs, like being accepted, loved or seen as ‘enough’; and they’re used throughout the course of EFT. In stage one, when partners begin to access vulnerable emotions, often for the first time, they help facilitate de-escalation. The listening partner sees the sharing partner in new ways, not just demanding or defensive, but hurting.
Enactments prime the pump for moving into stage two, when enactments are not just helpful – they’re the lifeblood of change. Here, partners have broken the negative cycle and share more deeply, and in the moment, their poignant, tender emotions and underlying needs. For instance, a pursuing partner expresses core doubts that she is lovable. With heightening and well-attuned empathic conjectures she is able to talk fromher fear, “As long as I can remember, I’ve felt alone, unseen… unworthy of love. I’ve told myself ‘don’t ask for love, it’s not for you and you’ll just be disappointed all over again’”.  The fear? If she shows her need for love, her partner will not respond or may see her as too demanding and difficult to love. She would be devastated. She has a negative view of other – ‘I won’t get a response’ – mixed with a negative of her self – ‘I’m unworthy and unlovable’.
Taking in her fears, the listening partner may struggle at first with this new way of hearing her, “This is so new to me, I’ve never heard you talk this way”, but is drawn in by her vulnerability. The partner is accessible, responsive and engaged – A.R.E. And hearing her in this previously unknown and surprising way, the listening partner responds with acceptance and support to her underlying need to feel worthy of love, and to be loved. She has taken the risk to reach out and share from a place of profound vulnerability and receives assurance and emotional support in return. The bids for connection are clear and the call and response begin to redefine the relationship as emotionally safe, creating a lasting bond. They feel the connection in their hearts and it builds trust and security.
This is the ‘why’ of using enactments. Next time, we’ll look at the ‘how’, including making your enactments powerful and transformative.

Jeff Hickey LCSW   Director, Chicago Center for EFT

I wanted to alert everyone that Sue has made the text of her recent talk available for a limited time on her website. I encourage you to stop by and read her comments on how attachment is still the defining contribution to sexuality – despite huge recent changes in the role of sex in our culture.
You can find the complete text here at drsuejohnson.com:
http://www.drsuejohnson.com/attachment-sex/attachment-and-the-dance-of-sex-integrating-couple-and-sex-therapy/#more-1957

Jeff

by Jeff Hickey LCSW, CST

Remember a time as a therapist when you’ve had that ‘we’re not in Kansas anymore’ feeling? Like something very new and different has replaced what you’re comfortable with as a clinician? I had it a lot while going through sex therapy training. It wasn’t the information related to sexual functioning, or practices or treatment, although that expanded my horizons some. It was in actually using it with clients as we worked together to resolve sex related problems. Like most therapists new to sex therapy, I wasn’t accustomed to asking people questions about what they do sexually, how it goes when they do it and then getting even more specific when there’s evidence of a problem. Some of it was that I’d always drawn too broad of a line between sex and other relational problems so it was hard to see them overlapping as much as they really do. But to be honest, the main reason was I just felt nosy and embarrassed. I can wade into deep emotional waters with clients, but it just took some practice of asking about vaginas, oral sex, erotic fantasies, etc. to feel more comfortable. In fact one of the key reasons sex therapists have an easier time talking about sex is they do it a lot. Basic desensitization.

What if you’re not there yet? What if it still feels awkward or even taboo to bring up the topic of sex with your clients?

A great place to start is to simply allow the discomfort. It’s always about something, right? Respect it and give it some room to be felt and heard. In fact, embrace it – the last thing we want is to get heavy handed with ourselves, because sex is often such an emotionally laden aspect of our identity. And often the feelings that arise can make it difficult to step back and see where we are.

Next, look at your attitudes about the gamut of sex: how it gets expressed culturally; practices you can accept and where you draw the line; feelings about sexual minorities; how your own background and other experiences shape you values about all of the above, just to name a few.

Now, reflect on the role of sex in your own life: where you learned what you know; how your beliefs came to shape your sexual expression; your feelings about the role of sex in your relationships, again just to name a few.

Finally, take a moment and ask your self what, if anything, you’d like to change about these attitudes, beliefs and feelings. The answer might point the way to what you need to begin to feel more comfortable discussing sexual concerns with your clients. I can almost guarantee you that as you become more at ease, they will too, and they’ll appreciate you opening that door.