By guest blogger, Josh Marder, LMFT<\/p>\n
Most couples have trouble expressing their softer primary emotions when they come in for couples therapy.\u00a0 We know that\u2019s where we\u2019ve got to go\u2026 but how do we get there?<\/p>\n
One of the things I love about the EFT model is how it guides us to create safety for the deeper softer emotions to step out from hiding.\u00a0 We do this by helping the client organize and experience their emotional selves.\u00a0 EFT teaches us that the emotions we experience are not limited to how we feel.\u00a0 The wholesome picture of emotions includes a combination of cognition, bodily experience, limbic\/pre-conscious experience, and even action.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s take a closer look at these four parts of emotion.<\/p>\n
As an action or comment by the partner is seen or heard, there is a preconscious question that is asked by the back of the brain, in the amygdala, \u201cIs this dangerous?\u201d\u00a0 If the answer is yes, our automatic response is to protect ourselves by going into an alert state.\u00a0 This alert state sends a message to the body and front of the brain, \u201cWe are entering a danger zone.\u00a0 Alert!\u201d\u00a0 Through soft and reflective empathy, we help the client become aware of their assessment of distress.<\/p>\n
The body responds to this alert danger message, usually in the stomach, chest, or throat.\u00a0 Clients often sense a tight, heavy, or painful feeling in their core area.\u00a0 This is the body responding to the danger signal.\u00a0 We encourage the client to explore whether they have any physical reaction in moments of relationship distress and in response to this danger signal.<\/p>\n
At the same time as the danger assessment is spreading to the body, it\u2019s also triggering other parts of the brain.\u00a0 The prefrontal cortext is racing to understand the meaning behind this cue.\u00a0 What does this say about my partner and our bond?\u00a0 \u201cWhat just happened? Is s\/he angry at me?\u00a0 Is s\/he leaving me?\u00a0 What does this say about me and the relationship?\u00a0 Am I a disappointment, getting it wrong again?\u00a0 Am I losing your love, attention, affection, or acceptance?\u00a0 We gently support the client in exploring their interpretations of their partner\u2019s moves.<\/p>\n
And in response to the cue, we are driven to take action.\u00a0 The effort to cope with the danger cue is usually a hyper form of fight or flight, freeze response.\u00a0 In fight form, it may look like yelling, criticizing, or other expressions of anger.\u00a0 In flight form, we retreat, intellectualize or otherwise avoid. The freeze response may look like emotional shut down, numbing out, going silent.\u00a0 We help the partner understand and validate their emotional process as an automatic effort to deal with overwhelming emotions.<\/p>\n
Putting these pieces together, it may sound something like this, \u201cWhen you see your partner upset (the cue), you feel you\u2019re entering the danger zone (back of the brain danger assessment).\u00a0 You begin to feel a tightness in your chest (bodily response), and you start wondering if you can ever make her happy (meaning).\u00a0 You go into your shell and try to hide at that moment (action response).\u201d\u00a0 As we help a client organize their experience, they feel safer within themselves.\u00a0 As the different components of emotion are organized for the client and validated, the emotional experience expands for the client.\u00a0 As partners feel more understood we naturally build the scaffolding needed to access the underlying, vulnerable emotions such as sadness, fear and shame hiding underneath their reactivity, and they begin to be experienced consciously, normalized, and accepted by themselves and their partner.<\/p>\n
Learning EFT gives us a deeper understanding of the world of emotions for our clients and ourselves.\u00a0 Through that understanding, a wholesome experience of emotion comes to light.\u00a0 We are able to organize and expand the emotional world of our clients, giving them an opportunity to experience themselves and their relationship through a new lens of soft tender longings for connection.<\/p>\n
Joshua Marder, LMFT is a certified EFT Therapist and Supervisor in Training.\u00a0 He is a member of the CCEFT Board and runs the monthly peer consultation group in the North Shore.\u00a0 He offers 1-Day Hold Me Tight Retreats in the Chicago area with 6 CEs for therapists.\u00a0 If you\u2019re interested in joining the peer group or attending one of his Hold Me Tight workshops, contact Josh at josh@mardercouplesandfamilytherapy.com<\/a>.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By guest blogger, Josh Marder, LMFT Most couples have trouble expressing their softer primary emotions when they come in for couples therapy.\u00a0 We know that\u2019s where we\u2019ve got to go\u2026 but how do we get there? One of the things I love about the EFT model is how it guides us to create safety for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2920","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-eft-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2920","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2920"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2920\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2920"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2920"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2920"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}