Enactments \u2013 pt. 2<\/p>\n
Enactments are key to partners establishing and deepening engagement, so it pays\u00a0to know when and how to use them for maximum impact, from the first session through stage 2. To paraphrase what Chicago ward bosses used to tell their constituents on election day, \u2018vote early \u2013 and vote often\u2019.<\/p>\n
Stage 1 Enactments<\/em> Stage 2 Enactments<\/em> Jeff Hickey, LCSW Enactments \u2013 pt. 2 Enactments are key to partners establishing and deepening engagement, so it pays\u00a0to know when and how to use them for maximum impact, from the first session through stage 2. To paraphrase what Chicago ward bosses used to tell their constituents on election day, \u2018vote early \u2013 and vote often\u2019. Stage 1 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2154","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-eft-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2154","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2154"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2154\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2154"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2154"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2154"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nIt\u2019s your first session, and during a brief moment in an otherwise high conflict exchange, one partner says, \u201cIt\u2019s been really hard to get stuck in the same spot over and over again.\u201d\u00a0\u2018Really hard\u2019 is\u00a0generalized and vague, but it\u2019s an\u00a0opening.<\/em>\u00a0Catching the moment, you say, “When the conflict as been so draining and near-constant, it\u00a0must have eroded some of the best parts of your relationship. How do you tell her it\u2019s been so hard to be stuck in such an arduous rut?” \u201cI don\u2019t, it wouldn\u2019t make a difference and\u00a0it would still end in a fight.”\u00a0You say, \u201cSure, it would be a stretch to open up even a little bit when things have been so hot, so you keep it the feelings\u00a0inside. Can you try something a little different, and tell her directly, \u2018it\u2019s been so hard, and draining, to keep getting stuck in exactly the same awful spot and\u00a0how much you want to find a way out of it?\u201d
\nIt\u2019s a small step, but you\u2019re noticing and bringing out emotion. Since it\u2019s an early enactment, you structure it carefully, scripting more than in later stages. You\u2019re not asking them to take the risks that you will in later stages, but you\u2019re slowing down the interaction. Even if the listening partner says, \u201cWell it wouldn\u2019t be so hard if you just showed up from time to time!\u201d, it\u2019s ok. Take a breath, then validate and put the response in their cycle, \u201c I get it; you\u2019ve been locked in this pattern for so long that it\u2019s not only hard, but almost impossible to slow down and hear each other\u2019s hurt. Instead, it\u2019s the anger that comes across and it pushes you away from each other\u201d.<\/p>\n
\nThese have a very different flavor. Partners are now able to identify and talk\u00a0from<\/em>\u00a0primary emotion. The goal is to help them get to a depth of vulnerability they rarely express\u00a0and they need your encouragement to get there. The cues are unmistakable: the change in vocal tone, the downward glance, a shift in posture, poignant images. They’re all openings to\u00a0more tender emotions \u2013 often fear or shame \u2013 and you help them drop deeper into them.\u00a0They\u2019re de-escalated and ready for bonding events. Believe in them, it\u2019s time to gently press forward.
\nYou notice the heavy sadness in one partner\u2019s face as she talks about how she keeps a protective distance\u00a0and say to her, \u201cThis is the place where you\u2019ve felt so hurt, but it hasn\u2019t felt safe to show it, is this right?\u201d She says, \u201cThat\u2019s right, I\u2019ve just never felt I mattered. I\u2019ve wanted to say, \u2018I need to know you still love me\u2019, but haven\u2019t been able to say the words.\u201d You let yourself\u00a0feel<\/em>\u00a0her sadness and the tip or her fear. It\u2019s time to heighten more, using her words and images: \u201cTo feel like you don\u2019t matter to him and not know to say it. It must be very lonely, like you\u2019re in your own world, cut off from him. And if you try to tell him, you might get missed, so the words stick in your throat; you could fall without him there to catch you and it would be crushing.\u201d\u00a0She starts to tear up and you give her a moment to let her emotions catch up. Time slows down.
\nHer partner is watching, listening; you know he\u2019s present and engaged. Quietly, you say, \u201cHis eyes have been fixed on you. Can you turn to him now, look in his eyes for a moment, and when you\u2019re ready, talk from your heart about this dark, overwhelming fear?\u201d She hesitates and you wait \u2013 emotions need time to work \u2013 lending your quiet presence. Eventually, voice breaking, she says to him, \u201cWhen we met, I never let myself believe it would last. I never had anyone who said I was special. I finally let myself believe in you \u2013 in us \u2013 and then you started up with someone else. I felt like a fool to have ever believed. What is it about me?\u201d You validate her courage for taking the risk to share her most vulnerable self. \u201cThat took a lot for you to put yourself out there like that. You didn’t give up or back down.”
\nHer partner seems stunned, glances down at the floor and searches for words. It\u2019s time to bring alive his experience in the moment. Evoking and heightening, you ask, \u201cWhat\u2019s going on inside for you now as she shares with you this deep, raw hurt, her face full of sadness?\u201d He says, \u201cI don\u2019t really know what to say. I know I\u2019ve hurt her, but\u00a0I\u2019m not going anywhere without her.\u201d You note he\u2019s talking to you; he needs your help to respond to her with support and acceptance. Continuing the enactment you ask, \u201cCan you turn and tell her you hear and see her hurt? And how much you want to ease her pain?\u201d Finding his footing he says, \u201cI know I\u2019ve hurt you and I can\u2019t forgive myself for it. I let you down and you deserve better\u201d. Her body relaxes and she softens a bit. Keep the enactment going, \u201cTell her please, what it means to you for her to let you in in such a big way\u201d. You can keep processing the interaction because these are moments of engagement.
\nEnactments are essential to creating bonding events in stage 2. Talking\u00a0about<\/em>\u00a0sadness or shame isn\u2019t enough. Partners\u00a0need to talk\u00a0from<\/em>\u00a0a place of vulnerability. After all, the block to re-engagement isn\u2019t\u00a0feeling<\/em>\u00a0sadness or fear, it\u2019s being unable to safely\u00a0talk<\/em>\u00a0about those emotions.
\nOne of the biggest challenges in learning EFT is to continue heightening and expanding emotions when doing enactments. Trust the process, it\u2019s easy to stop too early and miss the depth of emotion needed to heal wounds. Couples need our attunement\u00a0and persistence\u00a0to create the engagement that strengthens lasting bonds. Try it. Access and heighten primary emotion, then heighten even more. Now they\u2019re ready to take risks.<\/p>\n
\nDirector Chicago Center for EFT<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"