In the previous entry we covered some of the basics on\u00a0heightening. This time I\u2019m giving some examples of heightening language and the small interventions that help heighten experience in the moment.<\/p>\n
Norm has been aggressively pursuing his wife for a more active sex life and justifying it by saying his desire level is just normal and that it shows how much he loves her. Eventually he began to realize how emotionally threatened she felt and acknowledged his part in their conflict cycle, (timing is promising\u2026), but he wasn\u2019t fully engaged emotionally so I asked her about the threatened feeling. Jeff Hickey, Director, Chicago Center for EFT<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In the previous entry we covered some of the basics on\u00a0heightening. This time I\u2019m giving some examples of heightening language and the small interventions that help heighten experience in the moment. Norm has been aggressively pursuing his wife for a more active sex life and justifying it by saying his desire level is just normal […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1701","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-eft-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1701","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1701"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1701\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1701"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1701"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1701"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nShe offered the image of being pushed to the edge of a cliff by him. I asked him to feel the impact of her words \u201cemotionally threatened by him\u201d for a moment (slowing down) and he said it wasn\u2019t what he wanted her to feel, looking slightly wide-eyed (entry point). Then I asked him to let himself imagine her at the edge of that high jagged cliff, feeling threatened by him (using her image and bringing it into the moment).
\nAt first he just said, \u2018you know, I feel bad\u2019. I said, \u2018I get that it feels bad, but it sounds like more, like knowing you\u2019re scaring her is especially gut-wrenching\u2019 (heightening and blocking an early exit). \u2018Yeah\u2019, he said, \u2018who would want to be that kind of husband?\u2019
\n\u2018Exactly\u2019, I said, \u2018it would be like pushing her to the very edge of that cliff over and over again, and not knowing how scary it is for her. It must fly in the face of wanting to be her safe, reliable partner (seeding attachment wish). How is it to sit with the feeling that you\u2019re seen as an emotional threat to your own wife?\u2019 (more evoking, emphasizing present moment and heightening). \u2018Like I must be a selfish oaf who\u2019s just been making it all about me, but it\u2019s not the way I see myself. I think of myself as a good guy!\u2019
\n\u2018No wonder it feels so painful to you\u2019 I said Like a selfish oaf who\u2019s pushing his wife to the edge of that jagged cliff over and over again. How is it to hear these words back from me?\u2019 (more evoking and bringing back to the present). \u2018Well it doesn\u2019t feel good!\u2019 \u00a0\u2018I bet\u2019, I say, \u2018but stay with the feeling please (block the exit) and notice what\u2019s going on inside (focus on internal experience). Let yourself go there if you can\u2019 (be persistent).
\n\u2018Well, you know\u2019\u2026, he says immediately. I interrupt (blocking the exit), \u2018Can you let yourself sit quietly and notice what\u2019s happening in your body right now? (ask about somatic experience to slow down), this is new for you so take a minute to let yourself feel it\u2019 (slow it down). He sits quietly for about half a minute before saying, \u2018I feel all this tension in my chest, like a clamping pressure.\u2019 \u2018Okay, I say, \u2018thanks for staying with it. And the clamping pressure, does it have a message?\u2019 (slowing down). \u2018Yeah, I feel bad about myself, I don\u2019t like myself right now.\u2019
\n\u2018Yes, I wonder if this is the part you don\u2019t let yourself feel when you\u2019ve seen her pull back from you (empathic conjecture). And as I sit here with you now (emphasize presence) I\u2019m guessing some of your pursuit comes from you losing a sort of contact with her \u2013 the sex closeness \u2013 that\u2019s meant so much to you, so you keep putting on pressure as the way to keep her close\u2019 (empathic conjecture).
\nHe replies, \u2018I do sometimes worry we\u2019ve lost our sexual buzz for good \u2013 what if we can\u2019t get back there? That doesn\u2019t feel like a good way to be together\u2019 \u2018I hear you, Norm, but this time it also sounds a little different, like you\u2019re talking about being scared of losing a part of what makes your partner so important to you (heighten fear and use attachment language). From the place of heightened primary emotion and newly accessed vulnerability I ask him to share his fears with her (enactment) and she is able this time to hear a partner who misses her, in a much less demanding and threatening way. Soon we can return to his complaints and worries about the lack of a vibrant sex life.
\nYou can read in this example than Norm wasn\u2019t unwilling<\/em> to talk from his primary, vulnerable emotions nearly as he just needed help<\/em> in the form of attunement, slowing down, blocking exits, persistence, evoking and some empathic conjecture. In the end, he was able to give his partner a much less threatening and more accessible message about her importance to him \u2013 not a bad outcome for the piece of work they did together.<\/p>\n