Last month, we started EFT Advanced Core Skills series in both Minneapolis\/St. Paul and Detroit and having the sessions just a week apart helped me finally clarify how to teach an essential element in helping couples de-escalate: In early sessions the therapist has to frequently and smoothly shift the focus from the cycle, to the emotional impact of the cycle, back to the cycle and so forth.<\/i> It sounds simple, but requires deft balance between two different focal points. Think of a violinist, whose left hand moves quickly up and down the fingerboard, each finger precisely placed to produce distinct pitches, while the right hand holds a bow that often moves at a completely different pace. Left and right hands work together to produce the intricate beauty of a Vivaldi concerto. Not too unlike an EFT therapist\u2019s dual focus on cycles and emotions.<\/p>\n
In initial sessions, partners usually recognize the basics of their conflict cycle, especially how they get triggered by each other. They also usually talk about how frustrated or discouraged they\u2019re feeling about the relationship. The harder part? Linking the two. In the recent Core Skills sessions we drilled on this theme a lot and here\u2019s how we did it. We helped partners identify their cycle<\/i>, note the emotional impact<\/i> of the cycle, then as they talk about that impact we place it back in the cycle<\/i>. And as we place it back in the cycle we focus anew on the emotional impact<\/i>. Hear the shifting focus? As we alternately clarify the cycle and access primary emotions, couples get clearer not only on what they do, but also the emotions that both contribute to and result from their interaction. After all, while emotions fuel reactivity in the moment, that reactivity elicits more emotions and so forth. Often, the more challenging part is to help partners see the cycle while also accessing and identifying the primary emotions that help feed the cycle.<\/p>\n
It might look like this. Hal talks about the lack of quality time he has with Brenda and how when he brings it up she usually defends and responds with her own complaint about needing support with the kids and other tasks. Brenda then describes feeling burdened by a demanding job plus most of the parenting responsibility and that she harbors resentment about not getting more help \u2013 a very typical cycle. The therapist starts by noting the between<\/i> with a basic description of their cycle: When Hal asks for more one-on-one time, Brenda feels criticized and defends herself, but then follows up with a complaint of her own about being asked to give even more while still needing his support. Hal then feels blamed and believes his wish for more connection is unheard or even unimportant to Brenda.<\/p>\n
Considering the impact<\/i> of the cycle on each partner, the therapist begins to subtly shift to within<\/i>. He might ask Hal, \u201cHow has it felt to wish for more contact with Brenda while doubting your importance to her?\u201d Or he might ask Brenda, \u201cCan you say more about that burdened, lonely feeling, when you\u2019ve asked for, but not gotten the support you\u2019re needing?\u201d\u00a0 Better yet, the therapist does each in turn, helping each talk in more detail about where they hurt, emphasizing experiences of feeling unimportant to or not accepted by the other.<\/p>\n
They\u2019re beginning to express a little of the primary emotion that\u2019s so often hidden in conflict cycles and now it\u2019s time to shift back to the between<\/i>. Important as it is to acknowledge these primary feelings, the focus shifts to what they do with them? So the therapist asks Brenda, \u201cWhat do you do with your lonely, burdened feeling? How do you talk about it with Hal?\u201d When she says she\u2019s given up on that because it just led to more conflict, the therapist places her unshared hurt back in the cycle. \u201cAs you\u2019ve given up on expressing your hurt and loneliness, you show more of the resentment and Hal no longer hears you needing his support. Instead he sees what looks like a sort of wall between you.\u201d As Brenda experiences the hurt in the moment, she\u2019s beginning to experientially appreciate that while dealing with it by shutting it away helps her cope, it likely makes it harder for Hal to see it. And Hal gets a glimpse of the hurt side of Brenda \u2013 not just the frustration that often disguises it.<\/p>\n
Later on, the therapist places Hal\u2019s rejection and loneliness back in the cycle. \u201cAs Brenda feels unsupported, you start to push harder for a response, to feel like you matter. And what\u2019s happening for you behind the pushing?\u201d Hal says he knows he sounds critical, but in addition to the frustration starts to feel bad about himself, wondering what it says about him as a husband. The therapist reflects his self-doubt and hurt while again, placing it back in the cycle. \u201cI guess pushing might be your way of dealing with the doubt about your importance to Brenda. It\u2019s hard to tell her directly, so instead you push and criticize, which just increases the tension and distance between you.\u201d\u00a0 Once again the emerging primary emotion gets heard and experienced by both partners, shedding some light on the conflict cycle.<\/p>\n
By maintaining a focus on both the cycle itself and the emotional impact<\/i> of the cycle partners are gaining clarity about their conflict pattern and how they typically deal with it. They\u2019re hearing – and more importantly, experiencing<\/i> \u2013 the distinction between the vulnerable primary emotion they feel, but often don\u2019t express, and the secondary reactions of blame and retreat they typically see in each other. \u00a0The rewarding part for me is that it not only helps me makes sense of their conflict cycle, but they’re getting it as well.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Last month, we started EFT Advanced Core Skills series in both Minneapolis\/St. Paul and Detroit and having the sessions just a week apart helped me finally clarify how to teach an essential element in helping couples de-escalate: In early sessions the therapist has to frequently and smoothly shift the focus from the cycle, to the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1366","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-eft-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1366","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1366"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1366\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1366"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1366"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1366"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}