In early December of last year I had the good fortune to be joined by two of my favorite trainer colleagues, Lisa Palmer-Olsen from San Diego and Jim Furrow from Los Angeles, for an advanced EFT training here in Chicago. About half of the 28 participants were from the Chicago area, the remainder from around the country or beyond, and I knew all but a small handful from previous trainings I\u2019ve done here and there. Lisa created the training format \u2013 she calls it a Dig-In \u2013 to maximize experiential learning of EFT. In smallish groups, participants well versed in EFT have an opportunity to identify and work on specific challenges in learning the model, often framed as \u2018self of therapist\u2019 concerns, in a supportive atmosphere. The idea is that tuning into and working with our own experience in the process of learning and practicing EFT are key to our competence and effectiveness. This is hugely<\/i> important for us all: after all, no humanistic\/experiential approach to therapy can be reduced to mere lists of interventions or steps and stages. I always learn something new from Lisa and Jim \u2013 both are very experienced and creative leaders \u2013 and this time was no exception.<\/p>\n
Here are three takeaways from the training that in some way relate to the therapist\u2019s use of self. They all stuck out for me in some way, and judging from the evaluations, for many of the participants as well.<\/p>\n
Each is fertile ground for reflection and discussion so starting with this entry I\u2019m doing a three-part mini-series addressing each subject in some detail. Today\u2019s entry:<\/p>\n
How are empathy and attunement alike and different?<\/b><\/p>\n
We all know how vital empathy is. Helping clients feel understood is essential to feeling the safety to be open and vulnerable and to take risks to ask for attachment needs to be met. One of the best descriptions of empathy I\u2019ve seen comes from David G. Martin\u2019s Counseling and Psychotherapy Skills<\/i>, 3rd<\/sup> ed. (2010). It\u2019s written for grad students in psychotherapy courses. I like it because it\u2019s simple and focuses on the \u2018intended\u2019 and \u2018implicit\u2019 elements of communication. He writes,<\/p>\n \u201cEmpathy is \u201ccommunicated understanding of the other person\u2019s intended message, especially the experiential\/emotional part.\u201d (Quotation original). Every word counts in this definition. It is not enough to understand what the person said; you must hear what he or she meant<\/i> to say, the intended message. (italics original) It is not enough to understand, even deeply; you must communicate that understanding somehow. It is absolutely essential that the other person feel understood \u2013 that the understanding be perceived\u2026\u201d. And later, \u201cYou will be listening for what your client is trying to say, and one way you will be doing this is to hear the feelings implicit in his or her message.\u201d (p.4).<\/p>\n \u00a0Of course we all do this by paying careful attention not only to their words, but also to the rich nonverbal and paraverbal communication. \u00a0I once heard EFT originator and researcher, Dr. Les Greenberg, say at a training that \u201885% of what come out of people\u2019s mouths is noise\u2019. It was his rather direct way of saying that we need to pay attention to many routes and levels of communication. Others have estimated that three-fourths or more of communication is non-verbal, and all therapy approaches recognize nonverbal communication as a cornerstone of understanding and empathizing with our clients.<\/p>\n So how does attunement differ? To begin with, it involves how <\/i>to use empathy. Having a very clear sense of the implicit message of, in Martin\u2019s words, \u201cwhat your client is trying to say\u201d is essential, but knowing how and when to work with this is just as important and often requires a deft touch. It\u2019s a very good thing to know that underneath a client\u2019s angry expression lays uncertainty and fear, but the benefit gets lost if I bring it up before he\u2019s ready to have it known. Attunement means being in step with where clients are in the process of letting themselves be known \u2013 both by us and their partners. In watching session videos and role-play practice I\u2019ve seen many therapists be spot-on in recognizing the client\u2019s experience in the moment and yet be too far ahead of what the client can tolerate in the moment. The result? The client steps back or resists, trying to keep from feeling over-exposed.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s a suggestion that often helps clients feel both our empathy and attunement. Let\u2019s say my client is talking in a couple session about being reluctant to engage with his partner and share the insecurity he feels in the relationship, so instead he keeps his distance rather than risk being rejected. It\u2019s clear to me that he feels a general fear of rejection by her, that he may not be so important to her. He says a little tentatively, \u201cI know it\u2019s a little silly, but I just wonder if she would even be with me if it weren\u2019t for the kids, and then I feel like I need to be careful about what I ask of her.\u201d It\u2019s clear he\u2019s on the very edge of what he\u2019s ready to say, especially in her presence, but it\u2019s important that he be able to convey that his careful distance \u2013 that she sees as a sign of disinterest \u2013 is an attempt to protect himself. So I reflect what he\u2019s said and add just a tiny bit and give him a chance to catch up, to verify or differ. \u201cIt\u2019s a big question to carry around \u2013 unresolved; no wonder you\u2019re careful about engaging with her. So you look carefully for the signs that say she still cares about you, that she wants to be with you.\u201d If he says, \u201cYes, exactly, it feels like I\u2019m always on the lookout\u2026\u201d, I know we\u2019re well attuned and he\u2019s ready to be nudged slightly in disclosing his fears. If on the other hand, he says, \u201cI try not to get to caught up in the vagaries of what every little comment means\u201d, then it\u2019s clear I\u2019ve pushed a bit too much for the moment and I need to time it more carefully.<\/p>\n The nice thing is that therapeutic attunement has a built in trial and error process with most folks. While it\u2019s hard on the alliance if we\u2019re constantly a little off or way off on occasion, most clients are willing to guide us a bit when we need it. After all, they want to be understood and often we\u2019re the first step in helping them feel understood by their partner.<\/p>\n Warm regards,<\/p>\n Jeff<\/p>\n In early December of last year I had the good fortune to be joined by two of my favorite trainer colleagues, Lisa Palmer-Olsen from San Diego and Jim Furrow from Los Angeles, for an advanced EFT training here in Chicago. About half of the 28 participants were from the Chicago area, the remainder from around […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1087","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-eft-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1087","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1087"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1087\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1087"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1087"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/degeneral.davidkim.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1087"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}The Chicago 2014 Externship is in June! For more info, visit chicagoeft.com\/events\/<\/a>. <\/span><\/h3>\n
We always appreciate your help in getting the word out!<\/span><\/h3>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"